


The Metonymy of A Woman

by junxouji



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, F/M, M/M, Other, Trans Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-10
Updated: 2014-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-28 22:01:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2748698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luhan was confused and Jongin was simple. Because sometimes the only thing you need is be reminded that you're their sun, their moon, their sky-- that you hold together their universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Metonymy of A Woman

“Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.”

—Jonathan Saran Foer,  Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

 

 

The summer of Luhan’s fourteenth year brought about a shift in his life as puberty naturally did. There was slight tremor to his voice, a certain type of lankiness to his limbs, and hair began growing where hair hadn’t grown before. 

 

He had always had this feeling that a cloud of impending doom was threatening to overcome him. As if sadness had grabbed a hold of his skinny pale arm and dug its claws so deeply that Luhan couldn’t break free. Whereas many people saw things through rose tinted glass, Luhan was forced to the reality of misery as it was:  that no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t think of one reason to be happy.

 

It was a boringly average childhood. Sometimes Luhan supposed that was the problem. He had normally kind and devoted parents who wanted nothing but good for their  son . It felt wrong at times to hate and despise them when they truly were good people.

 

But Luhan longed for more. The repression of his extremely Christian home didn’t inspire him. Fourteen, deeply confused about himself, and saddened by the fact he was displeased despite everything being given to him Luhan shut himself of.

 

The answer was closer than he thought. It was one evening his parents had gone out for dinner with his father’s coworker that Luhan foreigned sickness. His grandmother was called over to babysit the angsty pre-teen but Luhan knew she had a habit of falling asleep watching the cooking shows.   
  
He didn’t know  why but he had this certain pull towards his parent’s bedroom. He peeked in the well kept room and slid in shutting the door quietly behind him. Luhan went straight for his mother’s pretty vanity set with china perfume bottles, strings of pearls here or there and fancy golden tubes of lipsticks. He wasn’t sure what draw him to the golden tubes he had seen his mother put on so often but he carefully slid the lid off and traced his lips with the soft pink colour.

 

He might have gotten the colour on more successfully if his hand hadn’t been shaking madly.

 

He opened the drawer of the vanity finding a soft white nightgown folded neatly. He had seen his mother wear it many times and knew his father adored it because everytime she did he would kiss a patch of freckles on her shoulder. He discarded his clothing in a lightning speed, slipping the white nightgown on. His flat chest allowed the nightgown to slip too far down barely able to keep the straps up. He suppose at that moment was the first time he consciously longed for long hair and a curved chest.

 

He pressed the soft silk of the nightgown to his chest and smiled for the first time in a long time. Granted, he was confused why he was so happy but he decided sometimes happiness didn’t need to know the little  whys and  whats . 

  
 

Sixteen was a weird age for Luhan who had since then come to some type of clarity about himself.  Transgendered was a weird word to slip from Luhan’s tongue when someone inquired. But most people didn’t ask because they didn’t know. He would wear his pretty frilly dresses and many would never look twice at the long blonde hair or sparkly brown eyes because it suited him.

 

His parents had looked ill when he gave them the news. There were many questions and somewhat of a tethering on an edge-- because his parents loved him and wanted him to be happy but they foresaw a very misunderstanding world ahead.

 

(Luhan thinks he hated his mother because she was everything he wasn’t.)   
  
He tried public schooling for a while. But when they made him go into the guys locker room the harassment started. Pushed here, elbowed there, called a name-- Luhan thinks the saddest part about high school was the reality he was never going to be able to hold hands with a guy and call him his boyfriend because they didn’t understand Luhan was a girl. He had always wanted to go to a school dance and wear a flowy dress but he knew it wasn’t likely. Because people just didn’t understand he hadn’t asked to be a  faggot or even asked to be a  freak . Sometimes he felt as though he didn’t need to be understood but if people could only tolerate the little differences.   
  


 

It was when he was eighteen and just about to graduate from the place that had been his hell for so long, that he had his first romance. There was pressure from exams but the daily torment had faded some. Luhan guess people stopped caring.

 

It was when he was shoving things in his locker, checking his carefully applied makeup in the mirror stuck on the inside of his locker that he felt someone’s presence next to him. The first thing he did was assume someone was going to push him into a locker again or try to pull down his pleated skirt. But instead he turned to see the smart and shy sophomore boy from his science class. Luhan knew him because he had often come to Luhan for help on his Chinese homework. Luhan smiled a little knowing the other wouldn’t do any harm,

“Do you want to work on homework after school again Jongin?” Luhan asked knowing that’s really the only way they ever talked. But today Jongin seemed a little anxious.

 

“Actually..” Jongin began and there was the tenseness in Luhan’s chest he wasn’t familiar with. “I was wondering if you wanted to go to prom with me?”

 

Luhan must have looked dumb standing with his mouth open in surprise. Because everyone by now knew Luhan wasn’t really a girl. He may have fooled newer students with his low blonde hair, his pencil skirts, or pink lips-- he wasn’t and sooner or later they would find out. He was sure Jongin knew he wasn’t biologically a girl. So, he wondered if it was some prank or joke?

 

Luhan huffed, “You know I didn’t peg you for a jerk. If you’re trying to joke around it’s not funny.”

 

Jongin looked surprised he was getting angry. He brought his hands up in defense. “I’m  not joking. I wanted someone to go with and you’re the only person I wanted to ask-- I didn’t mean to offend you, you know-- just forget it, I don’t know why I thought it would be a good idea--”

 

“You meant it? You wanted to go with  me? ” Luhan couldn’t help but ask in awe like for once maybe someone saw something desirable in him. But Luhan was a realist not a day dreamer, “Thank you for asking but if we were to go together they would give us hell. Why don’t you ask Sulli from English? She’s been dying to talk to you-- I’m sure she would say yes.”

 

Jongin deflated. Luhan felt bad for rejecting him but the last thing he wanted was anyone else being picked on because of him.

 

 

Jongin didn’t leave him alone after that. He often asked to hang out or simply for little things that would require them to talk longer. It was one day in the hall Jongin asked if he wanted to come over that someone shoved into them calling Jongin a  fag lover . Luhan frowned.

 

“You know Jongin you really shouldn’t hang around me.” He said. “You’re only going to get picked on.”

 

Jongin frowned. “Isn’t it enough you rejected me because of them? Now you don’t want me to hang out with you? If I cared what anyone else thought then I wouldn’t be standing right here.” He said, “Anyway, why should I care if you want to be called a noona or a hyung? You’re still the same person on the inside right?”

 

Luhan swallowed. “Well-- yeah but--”

 

“Then you’ll come over right?”

 

Jongin kissed him for the first time that night when Luhan had agreed. And somehow it felt so right. The tan boy’s fingers clutching his hair with a little too much zeal making it hard for Luhan to exhale. He suppose he enjoyed Jongin’s kisses because right after he pulled away like a gentleman and sheepishly smiled.

 

It was weird to actually have someone to treat him like a lady.

  
 

He made Jongin cry for the first time months later after the graduation ceremony. Because Luhan was going to study in the States. He had enough of Korea by then. His time in high school had been awful with the exception of Jongin. He didn’t particularly care for his parents who threw him pitying looks. He just wanted to get away.

 

“Don’t cry. I will be gone for two years but I will webcam you everyday. You’ll be done with school by then. If you still feel the same we can move in together.” Luhan said as Jongin pressed his face into his neck and wouldn’t let him go.

 

“You’ll go fall in love with someone smarter, taller, more American--” Jongin said hiccuping between sobs, his puffy red eyes breaking Luhan’s heart.

 

“No one can replace you, Jongin. You’re the only person who ever accepted me as me. How could anyone replace that part of my heart?” Luhan asked smoothing his hair down. “I will come back on holidays and vacations from school. So it isn’t that long.”

 

“Two years will seem like forever.”

 

“A tiny part of forever Jongin.”

  
  
 

The first time Luhan visited from the States on Christmas Jongin cried again but in joy. They made love by the Christmas tree and Jongin made him promise to come back after Jongin graduated high school.

  
 

Jongin made him download Skype on his phone so he could message whenever he liked. Jongin preferred to send sweet voice notes Luhan would end up playing over and over again throughout the day. It was at night when they talked over camera face to face, Jongin always threatening to cry if he didn’t return. It was when Luhan smiled and promised he would come back that Jongin whispered “ I love you ” for the first time.

  
 

The States were pleasant. There was some prejudice against him but for the most part Luhan was pretty accepted among the campus. No one really batted an eye at him or suspected him of being born male. It was nice.

 

He visited Jongin on summer break and Jongin said how happily he was planning on going to a university in Seoul if he got accepted. Luhan knew he was going to though-- Jongin had always been smart.

 

Luhan feels jealousy for the first time when he turns twenty and he cannot be with Jongin. Jongin is sure to send him a present in the mail. It’s a fluffy stuffed poodle because Jongin has always reminded him of a poodle. It has a note attached:

 

When I’m not there, hug him! xoxo 

Love you!

\- NiiNii

 

Jongin calls him on Skype but he isn’t alone. As Jongin sings happy birthday in really broken Chinese, Luhan cannot help but focus on the person drifting in and out of the view of camera. Luhan recognizing it as Sehun, someone he keeps seeing in photos with Jongin on facebook, and his stomach flips.

 

He never thought he would have to share Jongin because for two years he didn’t. But now that Jongin has someone other than Luhan, he feels a heavy pit in his stomach. He tells Jongin he has a exam tomorrow and needs to sleep. They hang up and Jongin messages him a  I love you Luhan! with a silly emoji. Luhan wonders if Jongin has ever felt jealousy and prays he never has.

  
 

There is a few months until Luhan returns to Korea for good and Jongin graduates from high school. He knows Jongin has been working a lot of jobs to pay for not only university but a place for them to live together.

 

Luhan has a surprise for Jongin. He’s gotten a job offer back in Seoul. He knows now he can afford a nice place for them and Jongin only needs to worry about his university fees.

 

“I know I talk to you everyday but I miss you.” Jongin says one night over the phone. “When you come back we’ll be together still right?”

 

Luhan hums, “Why wouldn’t we be?”

 

“Maybe you’ve fallen in love with an American?” Jongin asks quietly as if it was a possibility. 

 

“None of them are my adorable Niinii. I couldn’t love anyone else even if I wanted to.” Luhan laughs, “What about you? You haven’t found any prettier girlfriends?”

 

“Who is prettier than you Lu?” Jongin asks sounding tired as he yawns a little. “You were the only one I noticed since I was sixteen. No one else compares.”

 

Luhan laughs, “Ah! You’re so gross and cheesy.”

 

“And you’re my star, so bright and shiny.” Jongin laughs because he is pretty gross and cheesy.

 

They fall asleep on the phone together.

  
 

When Luhan turns twenty-one it’s finally time for him to go back to Seoul. He gets off the plane and walks no more than a few feet when he’s crushed into a tight hug. He knows who it is because Jongin is crying again and smells distinctly of his favorite cologne.

 

“Don’t cry. I’m back for good now.” Luhan says knowing he’s put Jongin through a lot those last two years. How much did Jongin miss him?

 

“I’m just so happy.” Jongin says. “Because now you’re here and I don’t have to be alone anymore.”

 

“I love you too.” Luhan says pressing a kiss to his wet eyelids.

  
 

They move into their first apartment also when Luhan is twenty-one. Jongin tries to split the rent but Luhan tells him he needs to focus on his university. Luhan’s new job lets him take care of Jongin.

 

Luhan cooks for him. Cleans for him. And make sure the other male takes care of himself. In the end, Luhan didn’t mind. He loved it.

  
 

When Luhan is twenty-four Jongin is done with university and working full-time at a health clinic. He’s gone a lot but makes up for it when he kisses when he gets home until he can no longer tell where Jongin ends and Luhan begins.

 

Luhan is twenty-four and a half when Jongin turns twenty-two, they both decide they want something bigger and move into a house. They even get a dog (a poodle Jongin insists) named Monggu.

 

Luhan hasn’t been happier when he turns twenty-five and Jongin proposes to him. It starts off cheesy like Jongin is and for the first time in a long time Luhan finds himself crying.

 

There is a single rose Jongin hands him tied with a note and a ring dangling from it saying:   
  
“ To the love I’ve had since I was sixteen, I’m twenty-three now and more in love with you than I have ever been. Sometimes I wonder how it is that I have gotten the love of my life to love me back. It’s somewhat like a flickering flame loving the sun. I want the rest of your tomorrows, the rest of your days just spent by my side. ”

 

Sometimes Luhan’s parents come by after they marry. But usually they don’t. But that’s okay because Jongin’s parents were more than enough accepting and welcoming. Luhan feels so much love in his heart, it often feels as it will explode.

 

Monngu somehow gets the next door dog pregnant and Jongin says he wants to take care of the litter of crazy poodles. Luhan laughs.

 

Jongin gets promoted the next year and Luhan becomes the manager of the company he works for. They still make time for each other and Jongin still dorkily writes love poems leaving them in random places.

 

It’s when Luhan turns twenty-eight and begins feeling old he finally asks Jongin “Why?”

 

Jongin has to pause and look over the from TV he’s watching. “Why? What do you mean why?”

 

“Why did you want to be with me knowing.. knowing that I’m not actually a woman?” Luhan asks finally. It’s been bothering him a while now.

 

Jongin swallows. “Because I saw a sad person who didn’t see how beautiful they are.” He says, “And because I’m greedy and wanted to be the reason for that person’s every smile. Because I don’t care if you want to be a man, a woman, or an alien… you’re beautiful and you’re one of the kindest people I know.”

 

Luhan cannot help himself and falls in love with Jongin all over again. They kiss until Monggu barks at them annoyed he has to play with the puppies alone. Luhan smiles and gently pushes his husband away.

  
 

It’s when Luhan’s thirty he makes a decision. He’s going to have gender corrective surgery. He has been taken hormones for a while now and figure since he isn’t getting any younger he might as well.

 

Jongin supports him completely, going to every appointment with him.

 

The day of the surgery Jongin kisses him and tells him to become the beautiful woman Jongin has always seen him as. Luhan cries a little but later denies it.

  
 

She wakes up from surgery in pain. But that’s expected. She just want to know she has the parts she has always wanted and nothing is wrong. Jongin smiles at her and gives her a thumbs up,

 

She takes a deep breath and cries. Because she’s officially Kim Lu Han, wife of Kim Jongin. It seems so surreal and as if the heavens heard her silent pleas.

  
 

Jongin dotes on her and doesn’t let her do anything while she’s healing. Lu tries to argue with him but Jongin kisses her nose and mutters, “No, no, just rest and heal.”

 

The first time they make love post-change Luhan is shy. Jongin is patient and understanding. It hurts a little at first but Jongin is careful. Luhan just really loves Jongin.

 

They adopt their first child later that year. They name her Meilin after Luhan’s grandmother.

 

At thirty-six with a child, a litter of dogs now, and Jongin Luhan wonders how she ever survived her life before. Because she knows one day Meilin with be thirty-five and she’ll be a grandmother. But one thing will never change-- Jongin will be by her side holding her hand tightly whispering his “ I love yous” , buying her the fancy golden tubes of lipsticks, and going on and on with his stupid brand of cheesiness she has come to love the most.

 


End file.
